Thursday 27 September 2012

Recovery

 “Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning to dance in the rain”

 Monday evenings storm passed over us leaving a covering of fallen leaves. Twigs and small branches strewn about the lawns and driveway but nothing major thankfully. Tuesday’s travel chaos calmed down for Mum travelling on Wednesday and she departed on time yesterday afternoon. The days have flown by in a blur since coming out of hospital and we are very grateful for all the help mum gave us with cooking, cleaning, physio etc. I have no idea how we would have managed on our own.

Today was my first day on my own for weeks. Mum was here to help after my carpal tunnel op just eight weeks ago and girls were here during the summer. In that time it was trips back and forth to hospital for appointments before the cancer diagnosis. Today I had time to think about the last two months and the whirlwind that swept through our lives. I cried, I felt lonely,I thought about what the future may bring, I was sore. At the site of surgery, the numbness is gradually subsiding but is replaced by a burning sore sensation as the nerves regrow. Paracetamol merely takes the edge off. The cording underarm is improved with physio and massage with bio oil.

We were dealt another blow 10 days ago as Paul announced he is to be made redundant, along with 30 other employees, as of 31st October. The UK Wireline Department is to close. No big pay off, merely statutory redundancy amounting to 11k for 37 years work. Shocking. With a mortgage still to pay, house not selling and further education expenses for the girls he has no choice but to try to find another job. Not the extra stress that any of us needed right now. The Downstairs apartment is re advertised in an attempt to bring in extra cash but I do not need the physical work at the moment.

I guess its natural that the texts and messages of support subside, especially after Fridays good news. (The blog hits have dropped dramatically after Friday!) Realilty is, I still have several weeks of recovery, reduced energy levels and quite a bit of emotional stuff to deal with. It was good to chat to a friend in England, similar age, who has undergone her own cancer challenge recently. Sharing experiences, thoughts and advice, a great comfort. Hoping to spend some time with her in November.

Still haven’t managed a night out yet, with not sleeping well, I am ready for bed by 9pm! I did have a walk in the rain this evening along the lane before supper. I needed some exercise! Looking forward to a night away at the weekend, the change of scenery will be good for me, getting a bit sick of these walls!

The blog will continue over the coming weeks through recovery and my starting on Tamoxifen. I will record the highs and lows as I pick myself back up and get on with life. We have the challenges of a house sale and job hunting for Paul to overcome and then I hope to face the challenge of getting some travel insurance sorted so I can re plan the Sahara trek that I should have been doing in two weeks time!

I found this rather interesting. Maybe I should take up archery. And men, you'd better watch out!   In Greek mythology the Amazons were a race of women warriors, expert in horse riding and skilled in the use of the bow and arrow and the battle axe. They needed men only to propagate and when they bore male offspring they killed it, maimed it or condemn it to a life of servitude. Amazons were often, but not always, depicted as single-breasted for they removed one breast so they could use their bows unobstructed.
 

Sunday 23 September 2012

Me, Myself and I.


Continuing to feel very tired, probably as I have not been resting enough! Have resumed “light duties” as it states in the mastectomy recovery booklet. Today that included sorting some paper work, cooking a savoury strudel for supper, making bagels with Maisie, washing up and clearing the kitchen. Far too much! Underarm very sore and tight and horrid stabbing pains into my non-existent left nipple. I hate that, I can’t rub it to soothe it, nothing there just numb skin and bone. Weird feeling.

Felt low all day, I think after Friday’s good news, that the cancer was not found in my lymph nodes, I expected a green light, enabling me to go and forget all about my cancer and resume my old life. It’s not that simple though and I still have several weeks of recovery from the mastectomy / lymph node biopsies and some lifestyle changes that I have to maintain for always. In my head they were saying” off you go Mrs Stedman, we have cured your cancer”, in reality they were saying “we have removed the tumour but to reduce the risk of a reoccurrence you will need 5 years of adjuvant drugs”.

Events of the past 3 months will fade from the front of my mind once I have dealt with them. Its been such a whirlwind that I have not really stopped to absorb what’s been going on. This morning I cried, really cried, the first time since I had the core biopsies back in July. The scars of surgery and one a day drug for the next 5 years will be a constant reminder of this time in my life and also a reminder of how lucky I have been to escape lightly and come through with such a good prognosis going forwards.

Big thanks to Doug and Graham who gave up their Sunday’s to come and help Paul in the garden. Superb team effort getting on with strimming, mowing, pruning etc. We are needing to keep on top of it all if we are to sell the property. Fingers crossed we get some interest soon. I have no idea how I managed to maintain it all for the last 6 years, I am clearly not going to be able to do it all without help anymore. Mum has been a brilliant help, cleaning and changing  over for guests Downstairs, ironing, getting meals, joining in with physio exercises and giving me massage to sooth the underarm cording.

 The house is still full of gorgeous blooms, with good wishes arriving from Jan and Andy in Canada last week and from The Butterfly Trust Edinburgh who I work for on a voluntary basis, arriving yesterday. They are keen for me to re-join them, but in the back of my mind I’m thinking that maybe I have spent enough years caring and giving to everyone else, and that maybe now I should be giving time and care to myself.

Friday 21 September 2012

Good Friday!

915pm and feeling shattered and emotionally drained after an ecstatic morning and fun filled afternoon! It was tense waiting at Clinic. Thankfully with the phone call to make the appointment only coming at 5pm Thursday, I didn’t have much time to get too anxious in the run up to 1015 this morning! That said, I was very snappy first thing and felt like I was about to sit an exam or go on stage (bloody theatre creeping into my mind again!) That stomach churning tension. I became impatient sitting in the waiting room, clock watching and gazing at the faulty “purple and green” TV once more. The last time I had sat there, in the same seat was on 6th August the day I was told I had cancer. Today I sat there waiting to know if the cancer had spread or not. It could go either way.

After a very long 45 minutes delay with clinic running late, we were moved to the familiar pale blue and white examination room. I did the usual scan of the room, clock, leaflets, desk etc. I noted immediately that the blinds were open and I could see the sunshine outside and the bench where I had sat on an afternoon walk after mastectomy just two weeks ago. I noted there was not a spare chair for the cancer nurse or a radiologist. I noted there was no box of tissues. This was going to be good news. The consultant walked in with my MacMillan nurse, relaxed and smiling. At that point I knew it was ok. “We have good news for you!”

And it was. The mastectomy removed a 2cm tumour and showed lymph nodes to be clear of cancer. No radiotherapy or chemo required, massive relief. Jubilant.  Five years of adjuvant hormone therapy, Tamoxifen – the wonder drug and the only drug available to hormone receptive, pre-menopausal breast cancer patients. Thankfully my cancer is oestrogen hormone receptive so I can take the drug. It does of course come with some side effects, mostly similar to those of the menopause, some of which may or may not cause problems. The most common side effects seem to be joint pain, (something I already suffer), night sweats, bloating. Hopefully with a good diet, exercise and rest (that’s the tricky one for me!) I will do great!

Tamoxifen works on the whole body, so is a systemic treatment, it works by blocking the effects of oestrogen on breast cancer cells, stopping them from growing. Tamoxifen can only be taken for five years as the cancer cells can become resistant to it and so the risks of developing further cancer out way the benefit of taking the drug. Once post-menopausal and five years on, there are other hormone therapies that can be taken.

So this time we came out of clinic with something to celebrate – a hormone receptive cancer and clear lymph nodes.

And celebrate we did with a coffee in Starbucks with Maisie and Mum before heading to CLAN for a reflexology to calm me down!

So happy to see my little friend James and his lovely mum Kim this afternoon. Good to chat and see new faces after two weeks of sleeping and physio! Hugs, a few tears and great playtime with “Now I know my ABC” and pennies from the till! Had every hope of getting dressed up and going out for a drink this evening but in reality I was so shattered that I was pyjamered and to bed for a rest and a massage of my sore underarm cording!

 Perhaps we’ll go to Mr Trumps Clubhouse for lunch tomorrow instead!

Thursday 20 September 2012

Two weeks on


My GP was happy with my recovery when I saw him on Tuesday. He snipped the nylon thread that was causing a little soreness where it protruded from my underarm. He also prescribed anti inflammatories for the cording underarm. He was very supportive and offered an open door should I need any emotional support or have any concerns going forward.

Enjoyed a short shopping spree with Mum yesterday in town. Mostly looking at clothes and underwear for me for confident dressing. Having explored John Lewis and M&S we ended at good old Primark who had a fantastic ranged of pretty vests, of which I bought a selection!

We took a welcome rest over coffee and cake mid-morning and spoilt ourselves with a taxi home rather than waiting bus buses and having to walk far.

Sorted through my underwear drawer and got rid of things that I will never wear (tight, thin straps, moulded cups etc) and adapted some other garments, removing underwire and keeping things that have removable pads.
Yesterday I felt so much better in myself, much less fatigued and generally” better”. However, that said, I am having sweaty nights and not actually sleeping as well as last week. Probably linked to having an appointment for clinic Friday morning, when we will find out about the full pathology report and whether or not I need any further treatment. Either way, a turning point and big step forward after surgery two weeks ago

Monday 17 September 2012

Eleven days on.


I can honestly say, that I had no idea of the physical impact of mastectomy. Apart from a basic MacMillan breast care book I was given no information about the operation so I  gained further knowledge about it from the internet but did not research in much detail under after the op. I was not told nor had any idea of the size of the wound, assuming it would be about 4” horizontally across my chest. In actual fact it is 7-8” diagonally from within my armpit to the middle of my chest. I was also not aware that problems with arms and shoulders were usual following surgery. This is compounded in my left arm following left  mastectomy as I also had carpal tunnel op just six weeks ago. The physio program is broken down into sections, week one, 2-6 weeks, 6-12 weeks and after 12 weeks. I had thought I would be back “to normal” after 3-4 weeks!! The program is designed to prevent “cording” feeling like a tight band from your shoulder to elbow (I do have some of this sensation developing already and its very unpleasant) and also to help prevent lymphodema which can be quite serious.

I had just assumed it was breast off and get on with it! Not quite that simple!  I am the rather impatient type! I am doing the correct exercises three times a day and not over doing it, but it’s frustrating as I am rubbish at taking it easy and relaxing!

 I endured a night of disturbed sleep, couldn’t get comfortable, changed my top, felt like everything was digging in under my arm, skin felt red hot and sore, couldn’t bear anything on it. It all looked fine, no redness or swelling. Took up most of the bed with an extra pillow, sprawling out trying to raise and rest my arm and wedging the pillow to prevent myself rolling over on my affected side. Woke up (so I must have gone to sleep!) feeling worse than ever.

Frustrating as this is day 11 and last week I was fine, because everything was numb! I’ve read other blogs and forums and this seems to be the absolute norm! Second and third weeks quite tough. Mainly due to the SLNB (Sentinal lymph node biopsy) hence the under arm pain. Some of the feelings start to come back and nerves begin to heal. Am experiencing on and off jabbing pain, the worst one when I feel shooting through to my nipple, except when I reach to sooth it there is no nipple to sooth and just hard numb skin to feel. Its weird.

 So the physical side is slower than I had thought it would be. No pain killers for the last day in hospital not when I first got home, but been back on them for two days now. Not just a case of getting over a general anaesthetic!

 I am getting used to seeing the scar and my altered image but a moment to long seeing myself in the mirror flicks the switch and tears fall. The last tapes peeled away gently in the bath on Saturday revealed a very clean, neat wound, a thin red line. Very, very, flat, tight skin over bone. When I first looked at my new image, I could see on my left my flat chest as a child, the tom boy charm that I always had, transported back to being seven or eight. On my right, the same body that has grown into a woman of 48 with shape and curve. Whose breasts fed both her children for six months.

I have worn my prosthesis twice. It was good to dress “normally” but it was an odd feeling with the “false” breast, I didn’t really feel myself with it and prefer to go natural with the flat and the bump of my remaining breast, dressed with darker or patterned clothing, cardigan, scarf to detract and blend any unevenness. To be honest with a small breast its quite easy to not worry too much. A top tip I read is to wear a sports bra to flatten out the other breast, thinking I prefer that idea. Will save my false one for when I go out in a dress and for special occasions! I’ll be able to get another special one at my prosthesis clinic appointment in November to wear in my swimsuit which will be useful.
Also having to give up antiperspirant  deodorant to lessen the risk of lymphodema,so apologies in advance! Hug me, love my smell!

Friday 14 September 2012

More steps


A few more steps today. Removed more tapes from the wound with just four left to come off by Sunday. Looking and feeling good although it feels like I have half a tennis ball stuck under my arm pit which is quite uncomfortable. Occasional jabbing / shooting pains in the area but by and large ok. My “false” boob went on its first outing this morning. It was a good feeling to dress properly without a baggy jumper! It did feel restrictive wearing a bra again, but nice soft straps and wide panels for comfort. I had to check once or twice that the pad was secure, still in place and not flattened but all was fine and it looked the part! Still feeling quite tired and tending rest in the afternoons and early to bed.

Mum and I have booked to go to The Royal Opera House Covent Garden in January to see The Nutcracker. Theatre, but of a different type to last week! What a fabulous way to start 2013!

Thursday 13 September 2012

PINK


One week on from surgery.

Was rather sluggish and slow to get going this morning. Felt a bit weepy and sore. Enjoyed the luxury of Mum bringing a breakfast tray to me with steaming hot porridge, a jug of double cream and brown sugar to sprinkle. I then had a long soak in my bath and removed the dressing from the site of the drains and a few tapes from the wound. All looking very neat and clean, very little swelling except under the arm.

Mum helped me to try on my post-surgery bra and temporary prosthesis. Was rather uncomfortable at first and we had to jiggle about with the prosthesis to get it the right size and in the right place in the pocket of the bra! Having removed most of the stuffing from the” false” one we had a pretty good shape happening! It felt weird and did feel unnatural. I was very aware of the false “pad”. I’ve been quite happy with baggy jumpers and a soft vest since surgery but since we are planning a cinema trip in the morning I thought I might wear a closer fitting top.

My team of carers worked hard today with Mum ironing and clearing up, Alice hovering and tidying and also cooking for us – tuna bites and dip for lunch and a delicious spinach, walnut and Shropshire blue cheese tart for supper.

I’ve found a group in Aberdeen called PINK  (People In Need of Kindness) for ladies affected by cancer. (Originally the Mastectomy Association Grampian) They have lots of social events from cheese and wine, theatre, afternoon teas and lingerie evenings. Thinking I might try it out. Next meeting end of the month. Been wanting to widen my social circle for quite some time, this is not quite the direction I would have chosen, but who knows! Jogging my memory with PINK, a thank you to any of the guys who wore pink on the day of my surgery. I thought about you! Calvin Klein do fabulous pink underpants if you want to go a step further! Also thanks to Liz who has dressed her plastered leg in pink fabric!

Bought a Tickled Pink umbrella in Asda for a bit more “dancing in the rain”. Essential since in my foggy daze after diagnosis I left my umbrella on the back of a toilet door in Union Square!

Despite a two hour sleep after lunch I am still feeling quite fatigued this evening. Worked hard at my physio exercises today and have quite a bit more movement in my arm / shoulder than yesterday.

Looking forward to going out Friday morning with Alice, Maisie and Mum to see Anna Karenina and have coffee. Early showing at 1115am so I should have enough stamina not to fall asleep during the film!

Plentiful get well wishes and the house is full of flowers, chocolates and over 25 cards! Very much appreciated magazines and fruits, books and some gorgeous essential oil body products for a little pampering! Friends have been very thoughtful. The text and facebook messages mean a lot and are still very welcome and appreciated.

Wednesday 12 September 2012

Makes You Stronger


NB to the post surgery blog update "A New Normal"
A number of people were moved by the above post after my surgery. It was never going to be an easy post to write and it was always going to be full of emotions after the few days in hospital and the waiting time since diagnosis a month earlier. My blog is honest and written more or less as it happens and how it feels. Different people and different personalities will interpret my words in their own way. One friend said she was smiling, crying and dancing with me. I was warmed by her words.

I did not identify with the significance of choosing “A Single man” (Abel Korzeniowski) to listen to in the bath! There was no link between the album title and my mood at the time! It was not intended to be morbid! Simply one of my favourite classical music albums that I have regularly listened to over the past couple of years and one of my favourite movies that I have watched many times. Yes, emotional, powerful music, but music that I often escape to and enjoy.

 Wednesday. A week since I went into hospital.
It feels like it was just a couple of days ago that I was going into hospital. How quickly the week has passed, much of it in a blur (good to have the blog as a point of reference). I have been resting at home and “taking it easy”. The post-surgery booklet contains strict instructions for aftercare of myself and the wound and also the precautions to put in place and to continue with to prevent lymphedema  which is quite a high risk following mastectomy and lymph node biopsy. It could possibly occur now or at any time in the future. It may be triggered by insect bites, sunlight, deodorants, shaving, gardening without gloves,lifting etc. No heavy lifting at any point in the future. So I guess you won’t see me in Rio in the weight lifting, but maybe hope for the marathon? My physio is improving movement and strengthening  my arm and shoulder daily. I have a very large area of numbness around the back of my shoulder and back of my arm as well as under the site of surgery. Some of the feeling may return over time.

 Of course always well meaning, but I am beginning to dislike the word “positive”. Stay positive, be positive. I have heard the words hundreds of times over recent weeks! Let’s face it, the results of the biopsy were positive, and look where that got me! Yes, of course it’s much better to treat this a “bump on the road” rather than some giant mountain to climb, and to laugh instead of cry but in all honesty there are times when it has felt like a big mountain, especially in the times of waiting for results, and times when it is not possible to laugh and the tears flow. By nature, I rise to a challenge and I do not give in easily. I rather not to think of this challenge as a war, some battle that I have to win. My energy levels are not high enough for me to fight at such a level. Are the soldiers that die any less a person, were they not strong enough or positive enough? No, of course not.

I am realistic. We none of us know what is round the corner and life throws stuff at all of us. In general day to day living it is often difficult to be positive and we all at times, let things get on top of us. There are always ups and downs in all our lives. Granted, I have probably had more than my fair share over the last six years, but they have only served to make me stronger. As Kelly Clarkson sings, “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, stand a little taller, work a little harder…” I don’t think about myself being “positive” it’s a high bench mark to strive for continuously and I do not like failure! What I am, is focused, cheerful, optimistic and strong and I am moving forward daily.

 Yes, the cancer has taken away my breast, but not my personality or who I am. By all accounts  I am exactly the same. But there is no getting away from the fact that when I undress, my body does not look or feel how it has for the past 48 years. I have a new body image. A long flat scar where the curve of my breast was just last week. An imbalance in the symmetry in the mirror and a lack of skin sensations. A new vision that I will get used to, one that depicts the journey I am going through, that marks this “blip” in my life. A physical change that will always be with me. A change that was essential to saving my life.

Tuesday 11 September 2012

Drain free!


It was wonderful to be in the shower under a torrent of warm water this morning. My first shower since Thursday morning. I didn’t say “stand in the shower” as I actually had to sit on the floor in order to rest the drain on something to prevent it pulling. None the less, the deluge washed away, not tears this time, but the last tensions of the previous days. The drain had reached the magic number of less than 30ml, measuring 18ml, which meant I could phone the ward to arrange to have it removed. Stitch cut and a few deep breaths in and out and the tube was pulled out. At 1130am I was free of the little bag I had carried about with me for 5 days.

To celebrate being drain free and five days on, we decided to lunch at Mr Trumps place. Impressed with the long sweeping drive from the main road to Trump International Golf Links, winding past the renovated estate lodge and stables to the wood clad clubhouse. Enjoyed a tasty cullen skink and a chocolaty hot chocolate while looking out the long glass windows over the windy dunes.

 Good to return to “normal” clothing with the drains out, can now tuck my t shirts in again! Not worn a bra yet but I feel quite comfortable in a loose top without the temporary prosthesis. One big advantage of only being an A cup. You can hardly notice I have one missing! Had no idea that different types of prosthesis are available and I look forward to getting one specifically for swimming. With physio going well I am hoping to be at yoga next Tuesday.

Happy to have Mum with us for help around the house and company for a while as Paul returns back the routine of going to work. I think he may be glad of the rest!

Monday 10 September 2012

A new normal


Happy birthday to my big girl Alice who is 19 today. This time last year her 18th party festival was in full swing in the marque on the lawn at Muirton. I never imagined that before Maisie turned 18 we would ever be facing something like this.

 The “new normal” has begun.  Maisie moved from home into halls at the weekend and with both girls away from home term times life at home will be very different.

 When the nursed asked if she could get my bed “ready for theatre” a vision ran through my head of the Mary Poppins hospital beds spinning around the arena at the opening ceremony of the Olympic Games. I saw myself on the stage at the Royal Opera House with glorious golds and opulent deep red velvets. Theatre it was, and I had stage fright.

 A string of people assessed me during Wednesday afternoon before I said goodbye to Paul at 7pm. I had “nil by mouth” from 10pm Wednesday evening through to 7pm Thursday.  The day of surgery, I had a thumping headache. I had hardly slept as a fault with the next patients morphine pump meant the alarms kept going off every 15 minutes all through the night. I saw the anaesthetist at 8.30am and she gave me permission to sip water until 11am. I asked four times for water before it arrived over an hour later .I had hoped for a long relaxing shower and a moment to feel my body and remember and how it was. I had no sooner turned on the water than a voice called me. It was a hurried last shower. I was wheel chaired down to Nuclear medicine for three radioactive injections into my left breast. The morning was long and the waiting tense. The room on the ward was full, six beds, ladies gynaecological, one other mastectomy. I was last on the list for surgery. It was probably the longest, hardest day of my life. I listened to Coldplay “I will Fix You” hanging on to every word of the lyrics.  I was wheeled down to theatre at 1440hrs.

 The heat of the ward, (Aberdeen’s hottest day of the summer), dispersed as we entered the lift followed by the long cool corridors on the surgical wards. It was extremely difficult fighting back the tears. I folded my arms over my chest to rest upon my left breast for the last time. I had an overwhelming urge to jump ship, run away, escape. The lovely smiling face of the nurse talked me through the next few moments holding my hand. The clock above the door said ten to three.

 I responded to my name, eyes opening and tears rolled down my face realising it was all over.I was back on the ward at ten to six. A couple of shots of morphine and by all accounts feeling ok. I was offered tea and toast which I managed to get down me, ravenous and thirsty having also missed supper as well as breakfast and lunch. (Hospital food not changed much over the last 30 years though!) Paul and Maisie visited at 6.30pm. An hour later I was deteriorating and feeling nauseous.

 I became quite unwell just before 11pm, resettled after anti sick injections but was further disturbed when the nurse managed to empty my drain onto the sheets and not into the bowl! Two patients spent the night coughing. Sleep was minimal.

 I enjoyed the calm and comforts of the Breast Centre Lounge. I mostly had it to myself and was able to make camomile tea and watch Saturday Kitchen on TV. My mood was up and down. Dressing still covering the site of surgery although clearly very flat underneath. The drains were a little sore going in through the side of my ribs. Removal of the first drain was rather unpleasant. The second may be worse having been in longer and going all the way from my under arm to the middle of my chest.

 I was happy to be discharged on Sunday afternoon and back to home comforts, quiet and an early night! The alarm was set to wake me at 1045pm to empty the drain, hopeful it would be the magical 30ml or less to have it removed. It had come down from 55 to 42 so not quite enough yet.

This morning, Monday, Paul ran a bath for me in my bedroom, with the view over the hill and misty rain. I lit candles in the fireplace, put on music by Abel Korzeniowski and prepared to remove the dressing. This was never going to be an easy moment and it was about as good a scene as it could be for the occasion.. I soaked for a few moments then with fingers that shook, I peeled away the dressing slowly. I didn’t look down, I saw tears roll down Paul’s cheeks, not for himself but for me. The 7-8” scar was clearly visible through the soft focus of the large paper stitches, covering dissolvable stitches underneath the skin. A long flat line. No breast, no nipple, nothing. Flat skin, covering bone. The tumour and sentinel lymph node gone. The start of the recovery. The start of the “new normal”.
 


Wednesday 5 September 2012

A drive in the rain


Enjoyed a memorable drive in the rain Monday evening! Ian took me out in his Robin Hood sports car, the sun had been shining all day and Aberdeen reached 25c! Unfortunately the clouds gathered around 5pm just as Ian arrived at the house and as soon as the soft top was of the rain began to fall, and fall! But what the heck, we went anyway, coats on, roof down. Ian with sunglasses on to protect from the rain rather than the sun!

Turned out to be quite an adventure when only a few miles from home we took an unknown lane and ended abruptly on a pot holed track! Scraps and clatters and I thought we had trashed the underneath of the car. We certainly removed some sods of grass from the central strip! Cautiously creeping slowly along we continued sure we find the main road again at the end! Through the woods bumping along and then the sight of houses! A gentleman working outside pointed us onwards just a stone’s throw from the main road. Hooray! Ian checked for damage and all seemed ok. But then..the engine began to overheat and then…smoke started to billow into the footwells. Time for a quick exit! Engine off and cooled, electrical issue with the fan wiring melting! Ian did a quick fix and thankfully the engine restarted and we found our way back to the main road where we could pick up some speed and cool the engine down!

Rain on my face, wind in my hair, engine roar and all the rush hour traffic on the B999 thinking we were mad. We were! Fabulous!

 Another great yoga session at lunchtime with lots of stress busting moves and mind clearing. A delivery of flowers, chocolates and a big hug, much appreciated in the afternoon. Time also for a spot of gardening and chance to get the washing dry outside.

 Enjoyed dinner and girlfriend chat in Inverurie this evening. All seems a bit weird and can’t believe I will be in hospital Wednesday afternoon. Lots of text messages, voice messages and cards today, thank you to everyone for thinking of us.

 Bag packed and I guess I am ready. The four weeks since diagnosis has raced by. As my friend Kim says, one day at a time for a while and best of all try to have one special moment in each day no matter how small.  After my op on Thursday Maisie is coming in to visit in the evening to read some more Bilbo Baggins and cabbages to me from Lord of the Rings.

Monday 3 September 2012

Cancer is a word, not a sentence.


A good day and everything seems and feels incredibly “normal”. It’s a weird concept being diagnosed with cancer. With the first mention of the word it initially feels almost like a life sentence but in reality so many people these days, one in three of us, will have cancer during our lives. Cancer is a word, not a sentence.

Yes it’s scary because we all know and many of us have experienced what cancer can do to people over time and the treatment can be rather challenging.

 I am thankful that I did not get cancer 10 or 20 years ago when the prognosis would not have been so good. I am thankful that I have raised our children and watched them become young women. I am thankful that I did eventually decide to go back to the GP back in June despite having been told previously that there was nothing wrong with me, well only carpal tunnel syndrome and reference to depression or menopause.

How people have taken the news of my cancer has been interesting. Shock and disbelief for most. How people have offered support or not, has been varied and not always what we would expect or from whom we would expect. My own life feels momentarily on hold while of course everyone else around me carries on as normal. For a few weeks I can’t carry on as normal and I wonder if the same “normal” comes back or if it is a new “normal”.

For me 2012 was to be all about change. The previous few years had challenged me mentally and physically and 2011 was especially hard for me (probably unknowingly because of the onset of cancer as well). In January I set about opening new doors and I made plans, Salsa dancing, Jog Scotland, Edinburgh half marathon, decision to sell the house, booked a 100k trek in the Sahara, psychology evening class, applied to University. All with a view to expand my horizons meet new people and move in a new direction. Not everything worked out as I hoped but then it rarely does for anyone. Very little interest in the house as yet, but clearly now is not the time to be packing boxes, unsuccessful in University applications, but clearly not the time to be committing to four years of study! Sahara trek cancelled due lack of support, which also actually turned out to be a good thing or I would have had to cancel it myself – I should have been going in October.

Optimistic that the house will sell when the time is right, I will rebook the trek for 2013 and I think it is time I stepped out of Social care work looking after everyone else and look for a new direction for myself. I have my eye on a little cottage that needs a total refurb!

 The weekend didn’t shape up quite as planned spending far too long stuck in traffic jams to / from Edinburgh & Glasgow along with £75 worth or replacement windscreen. The Speed Of Light event was quite an experience but I was actually far too tired to make the most of the two and a half hour hike up a blustery, damp, Arthurs seat at 10pm Saturday evening! Like cancer cells invading tissue, I watched as the light circle spread out over Salisbury Craggs  in a web of blue and reds veins. Gusts of wind shook my body and the lights of the Edinburgh night blurred into a yellow fog.

 Just two sleeps until my admission to ARI at 2pm Wednesday. It seemed like an age to go when at first diagnosis I had a month to prepare. Now here it is. Jobs crossed off my list and bag packed. Maltesers, books, new pyjamas, lacy vests and pretty knickers to feel feminine and satin shirts for easy on and off and gentle on the skin. Ear plugs and eye mask to help with a good night’s sleep. I wanted photographs of myself, for myself, that tell their own story. My breasts before surgery, after biopsies with all the bruising and next week after surgery.
 
 A mastectomy removes your breast not your personality or sense of humour. It probably also removes a lot of fear and anxiety.