Thursday 30 August 2012

Alright


Slept for just over 7 hours, so much better! (Removed myself from snoring and all other irritations – doors open and closing, taps running, toilet flushing etc! I’m usually the first one into bed and with three others in the house it can be noisy at bedtime! I was dreaming of a wonderful display of coloured glass busts (heads and shoulders not breasts!) mostly blues and greens, all male, hollow glass. Meaning?..

Enjoyed a refreshing walk at the Ythan Estuary yesterday morning, took waterproof jacket but didn’t need it, just a few rain drops, not really enough for dancing! The seals popped up their heads to see who was watching them!

Joined Alice and Paul for a swim and steam room session in the evening and then home for hot chocolate and melting moments biscuits before bed.

Very aware that things will be different this time next week. I will have had my first night in hospital and will be ready for surgery. Fairly used to hospitals having had several operations and general anaesthetics in the past although not for 17 years! I think the worst part will be waking up after the op feeling grotty, tired, and wondering what I look like under the bandages and drains and then waiting for the pathology report. It’s been made clear that I have to start exercises for my shoulder, chest and arm the day after surgery, hence the yoga and gym beforehand! I though about buying the T shirt that says " Yes they are fake. My real ones tried to kill me." Or the one that says "Cancer, you got the wrong bitch!" But it was thought it might cause offence to some on the ward!

Making the most of this last weekend before surgery with a trip to Edinburgh to see The Speed of Light, which Alice is taking part in, running up and down Arthur’s Seat with lights! Part of the International Festival. Staying overnight with the luxury of pool and spa. We will take Alice back to Glasgow Saturday and deliver a few more things for the flat!

Organised for Maisie going into halls next weekend, Paul has the task of getting her moved in and settled while I am in hospital. Not great timing but there we go! She started back to college yesterday and now has a good balance of paid work and study and hopefully some new friends and socialising once settled in town.

If my girls are alright, I’m alright!

Tuesday 28 August 2012

Champagne Picnic


The sun was shining today and it was altogether a much brighter day! Always good to have my girls home! We tried a new yoga class at Citymoves in town and it was great! A friendly informal mixed group. Lots of stretching and relaxation, just perfect. Planning to go again next week. Shopped for goodies for a picnic and we all headed off to Cruden Bay when Paul got in from work. Found a spot out of the wind and enjoyed bubbly, smoked salmon and other delicious things. Finished off with a dish of chocolate trifle and four spoons as the sun went down and the sky turned pink. Snuggled up together under a cosy blanket.

Monday 27 August 2012

Ups and Downs

I seem to be developing schizophrenia. I’m seeing a side of me that I don’t really know. Someone who flips from being steady, upbeat and in control, to someone is vulnerable, frightened and without an ounce of strength. Yes as one of my friends wrote, she is not surprised to see me trying to regaining control, setting up a blog and organising things going forward. It is what I do. Especially when faced with a big challenge. However, this feels it could be a big mountain and I go forward in the full knowledge that I can reach the summit but that the climb may well be one of my toughest to date. It’s a daunting and scary prospect and there are times when I don’t feel brave.

The gym on Friday was good, no problems on the rowing machine after my recent carpal op and a good workout for my shoulders and arms. I always enjoy the relaxation of the steam room, conscious of the heat and the water droplets running down my skin, soothing aches and pains.
Sleep is broken and erratic and not helping how I feel, at times wiped out. In the shower Sunday morning I sat crossed legged on the tiles under the torrent of water and added tears to the stream, hugging my knees into my chest. Not sure what I was crying for – fear as I know the cancer is already stage 2 , the fear it may spread, that my life may be shortened, for the loss of my breast, the worry and stress to those around me, tears for the place we are now at where we none of us want to be.

Being out and about at the weekend was enjoyable. Farmers market for fresh fish on Saturday followed by a visit to the Clydesdale horse show & Horticultural show at Duthie Park. A slow get up on Sunday and then a drive south to the Montrose Basin for a walk and some birdlife photography. Cooler but fairly sunny and breezy, blew away some cobwebs.

Slept well (hooray!) Sunday night but a spanner in the works with my friend Liz needing a lift to A&E with a broken ankle first thing this morning. Not what she or I needed over the coming weeks! Poor Liz, I got her wheel chaired into the waiting room and then went off to collect Alice from the bus. Great to have my two girls at home for a few days. Despite the pouring rain and wind we spent an hour in the garden in the hot tub this afternoon and rounded off with hot chocolate once indoors!

Friday 24 August 2012

The Weekend


I slept like rubbish last night and felt quite fragile when I woke up. The PMT + Cancer cocktail really is a totally new challenge to me! Agitated, unsettled, snacking, uncontrollable crying at the drop of a hat! Reflexology at CLAN soon sorted me out though and an hour on the couch and a few tears with the therapist lifted my mood and calmed me down. Came home and snacked on more “Rocky Road” and warm artisan Morrison’s bread! Well the healthy diet and exercise all these years doesn’t seem to have done me that much good and I did have healthy food yesterday apart from the cheese and onion crisps!

Letter from the hospital came today and despite the consultant saying I can go in at 8am on 6th September the letter says 2pm on 5th. Probably a good thing as I am bound not to sleep the first night there and will then be able to sleep soundly after the op? Well I live in hope.

We also have an evening out planned for Tuesday 4th which will take our minds off it all. Mark has kindly offered Seabass and DVD for Paul and Kim and I are dining at Fennel, Inverurie. Maybe Paul and I can grab a decent lunch before Admission on the Wednesday in anticipation of the less fine dining experience of the hospital food for the next few days!

 

Have had some lovely messages from people today – it’s not easy giving out the news but I know many people think and reflect upon hearing it and if it makes just one small difference to someone else’s life then it helps my own courage and strength.

 

Off to the gym this evening to work the shoulders and arms and then round off with a sauna before bedtime.

 

There may not be Blog updates over the weekend as I am aiming for a couple of “cancer free” days. Will see how I bear up! Planning to go to Duthie Park fruit and flower show tomorrow and for a walk at Montrose Basin on Sunday stopping off to pick up some Arbroath Smokies en route.

 

Remember if the heaven’s open, start dancing (and take photos!)

Dennis in Portsmouth


Dennis in Portsmouth made my day! Denis answered the phone when I rang Scottish Hydro Electric asking for a rebate of the £266.18 credit on my last 6 monthly bill. He said it was nice to be giving something back for a change, especially in this climate. Denis wasn’t looking forward to work yesterday as Hydro had just announced increases in prices for the coming winter months. I said I’d worked hard at reducing our electric bill by switching off lights and unplugging everything, to the annoyance of the rest of the family, restricted the use of the tumble drier and made sure hair straighteners were not left on (nor burning the house down). Denis said his wife should take a few tips from me! “Bet she doesn’t shop in Primark?” I asked “No but I’ve managed to get her to Lidl and Aldi!” “How about I reduce your monthly payments too?” “Yes! Brilliant! Denis did all the sums and reduced the direct debit by £30 a month – we have clearly been wasting heaps of electric previously! Denis is having a day off tomorrow and hoped the sun would still be shinning in Portsmouth as he was going to the gorilla sanctuary with his wife. He said he might leave her there!

I appreciated the normality of a humorous conversation along with some money back!

 I worked hard yesterday. Probably to hard. I mowed more grass and began to feel overwhelmed by seeing the weeds everywhere, nettles, brambles and raspberry canes, borders needing edging, laurels encroaching on the drive and so on. I didn’t attempt anything other than grass but the paddock took an hour and half alone. Paul has managed largely to stay on top of the lawns but has had to fit it in after work and in between showers and was away two days this week. I had basement laundry to do, with the guys downstairs leaving a day early for the long weekend, beds to change and cleaning.

 I sat down for a late lunch of butternut squash and apricot soup at 2.30pm feeling weepy, tired and lonely. Apart from Paul and Maisie I hadn’t actually seen anyone else since last Saturday evening. Part of my plan for this year was to get out and meet people but with college not now happening and having missed running club for several weeks I’m not making much progress on the friends score! Six years in Aberdeen, a very transient place and friends have come and gone, me mainly tied to the house with part time work here and there, friends have been hard to come by! Very grateful to Kim and Liz for their company and fun! So I fell apart for a while in the afternoon wondering just how I got to this place and point in life, fully aware that in two weeks’ time my surgery would be happening and that my female body would never look the same again, with a life long visual reminder of this cancer that has invaded. I mopped up my tears, pulled myself together and had a bag of cheese and onion crisps, a glass of sherry and several pieces of Maisie’s delicious Rocky Road .

 Maisie took comfort in speaking to her friend Hannah about my cancer. Hannah’s Dad had cancer a little while ago so Hannah was very helpful in discussing emotions, fears and people’s reactions etc.

Friends have said “let me know if I can do anything”, that’s not easy at a distance but e mails / messages / notes/ letters are always appreciated. Some have said they don’t know what to say, just say usual stuff, how your day was, what you did. Normality is very important even though this isn’t “normal”!

Thursday 23 August 2012

Shop 'til we drop!


Enjoyed a lovely day yesterday. Managed a three mile run in the morning (knocked a mile off the usual route didn’t want to “over do” it!) Mowed the smaller lawns on the ride on, while it was dry to keep on top of things in the hope we may eventually get another house viewing! Met Maisie in town after work at 2pm for shopping and cakes. She treated me now she has a pay packet! Chocolate brownie and drinks in the Old School House. Heavens opened and it poured, caught out without an umbrella but we improvised and shared Maisie’s scarf, covering our heads!

We shopped until we dropped not getting home until after 5pm! I bought some essentials for the hospital – slippers, toiletries etc and some “luxuries” cosy socks and pretty knickers! Maisie treated herself to quality hair products and new undies!

 A day at home today with nothing much on which is nice. Maisie is under instruction to make “Rocky Road” chocolaty, calorie packed and delicious! We will check through the list for Maisie going into halls in 8th September, most of the necessities already packed.

 Reflexology at CLAN will be relaxing for me tomorrow morning, then we are going to the gym in the evening as I am trying tone up my upper body, especially my left arm and shoulder which has not had much exercise since the carpal op but which needs to be strong for recovery from the mastectomy. A stint on the rowing machine and cross trainer should be gentle enough and beneficial followed by the steam room!

Wednesday 22 August 2012

Coffee & Cakes


Wonderful eight hours sleep! Probably as I know there are no more hospital appointments until surgery on 6th Sept! A full two weeks to relax and be “normal”!

The ultrasound finally carried out, thoroughly, by a lovely man who treated me seriously and in a gentle manner. He said everything was fine, just a couple of cysts on my liver which were nothing to worry about – probably the cause of the occasional “dull ache”. Of course we panicked until we read on the Cancercare.org site that this was quite a usual finding in about 5% of the population.

Opened the shutters this morning to see the cows in the field next door who peered up when they saw me! Sunshine on the hill and the field of wheat turning gold. Thinking I may have a short run before catching the bus to town to meet Maisie for coffee and cakes after work at 2pm!

Looking forward to having Alice at home for a few days next week (She is having some treats at Grandma’s this week!).

Tuesday 21 August 2012

Satin & Silk

Not a great nights sleep after the hospital day yesterday but feel quite bright and breezy this morning! Car dropped in Dyce for an MOT, hoping for good news on that one! Big bowl of porridge with double cream and brown sugar for breakfast! Opened the post at 9.45am to find an appointment for ultra sound – this afternoon at 1420!! More efficiency on the part of NHS Grampian! Good job I wasn’t in town for the day or I would have missed it! It does say don’t eat for six hours prior to the scan – well too late for that as the porridge is already eaten! Was anxious that the appointment may not come before surgery so am at least pleased to be getting it done. I will notify my cancer nurse as they don’t seem to have a clue as to what’s going on in other departments!
Written out a calendar for the next 16 days before surgery, ensuring I get jobs done and fit in “Me Time” too!

Managed to find a satin shirt on E Bay which arrived today and will be perfect for after surgery. Recommended to wear silk or satin front buttoning for easy on and off after mastectomy. If anyone has a size 12 ish spare silky shirt, loose sleeves, please send my way as I only have one and they seem hard to find! Another "benefit" of the cancer - no VAT to pay on post surgery bra's! Purchased a lovely bra in M&S with a £3.50 saving!

Have also bought a couple of new DVD’s to watch and have been sent a novel to keep me occupied post surgery! In my book “What Can I Do To Help?” It suggests friends cut out and send magazine / newspaper articles that are fun / humorous / interesting (inc cookery & travel!) as main stream news can be depressing as we all know! If anyone has read something good lately, cut out and forward, I can stick in a book to take to hospital!

Monday 20 August 2012

Stage Two

Prince Philip decided he would leave Aberdeen Royal Infirmary once he got wind of my visit today! The car park was full of Paparazzi when we arrived but no sign of any of the Royals!

Stage one, getting the initial diagnosis, stage two getting MRI results.
Routine assessments for Pre Admission this morning, bloods, medical history, lungs, heart, blood pressure etc. had a meeting with the consultant at
2pm for MRI results. More or less what we had expected although I always hope for better. She said the cancer is in several areas of the breast including an area to the top side (the main mass is at “7 o’clock”). She also confirmed that it is Stage 2 (tumour size in-between 2 – 5cm). Lymph nodes will be checked with radio active substance and dye during mastectomy. Still waiting for an ultra sound appointment. Surgery will go ahead on Thursday 6th September and I am likely to be in for around three days or so depending how I feel about going home with the drains in.

PMT and a recent diagnosis of breast cancer – now there’s a cocktail and a challenge for everyone!

Saturday 18 August 2012

Starry Starry Night.


One of the benefits of having cancer – believe me there are not many, this is probably the only one – is that with the diagnosis comes a great sense of being able to say what you like, to who you like, when you like and to be whatever you want to be. Along with this great sense of confidence also comes a sense of panic. I was caught unaware when I saw people collecting for Marie Curie, suddenly shocked back into realising my vulnerability and the situation I am currently in.

I am very conscious about the way I dress, carefully choosing bright colours and quirky outfits to give me confidence and to keep my mood lifted. This paid off last night at the Aberdeen Art Fair. We strode into the VIP preview evening confidently. Lifting a glass of champagne we proceeded through the stands to find Gallery I on the stage. Just ahead walked Billy Connolly in a long green velvet coat. Mark was soon engaging him in conversation then called over “Lulu, come and meet Billy!” “Billy, Louise, she has cancer, but don’t feel sorry for her.” “That’s an icebreaker, if ever there was one” said Billy. “Reminds me of when I met Paul Young( the actor), I’d been told don’t mention the ears! I was fishing with him and as I threw the line out, I managed to catch his ear and wrap it with the line!” We exchanged pleasantries before the speeches began. We remained on the stage just behind Billy as he opened the Art Fair. The Music Hall was full of VIP’s all looking up to the stage in our direction. I felt like a celebrity! Speeches over, we began to leave the stage for a walk around the stands but were stopped as we came down down the steps and asked if we could be photographed for Number One magazine! “Both together and then some of the lady on her own”. We obliged, posing in front of a huge floral canvas. The photographer took down our names and asked what was my occupation? I was caught on the hop, and instead of saying one of many things such as – charity support worker, property developer, interior designer, cancer patient, I said “Housewife”. I clearly need more exposure to this kind of stardom! He asked whose outfit was I wearing? I said “I’m sorry I can’t say its Gucci or Prada. It’s H&M!” “Well you look fabulous!” he said. With my quirky black and white leggings, white linen shirt, black patent Fly shoes and funky short haircut I had manage to grab myself a piece of the limelight!

We found Howard Butterworth at his stand and greeted him, offering our sympathies for the recent loss of his wife. We chatted openly and found that his wife had been diagnosed with breast cancer at the age of 40. Howard was extremely supportive and was the only person who was able to acknowledge how frightening the whole experience is. He spoke of the fear at the hospital visits, the surrounding fear in the waiting rooms, the difficulty trying to separate yourself from the fear in between appointments and treatment. I felt relieved that it is ok to have these feelings and that being “positive” (I am beginning to loath the word!) is not always possible. He said to call for a chat if we felt low, they had been there and done that. I may just take him up on that offer. I had the feeling that for him to talk about it all was also therapy for himself at this very difficult time.

What an incredible evening it turned out to be. We found an Indian restaurant and had a bite to eat. My appetite is not what it was a few months ago but I need to keep putting in the calories as I am having difficulty maintaining my weight. I find I have to eat what I fancy when I fancy it! In between I try to snack on dried fruits, nuts and seeds and chocolate!

 It was an unusually mild evening for Aberdeen, 19c at 10pm. We stopped by the seafront on the drive home and walked along the sand, not speaking, just thinking. Back at Muirton, the night sky was incredibly clear and for a few moments we looked for shooting stars, none showing themselves but we did spot three satellites overhead.



I was asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow and slept soundly until 7.45am.

Friday 17 August 2012

Mind Over Matter.

Enjoyed a relaxing reflexology at the CLAN centre yesterday morning, actually fell asleep for a few moments and started to dream! Booked in again for next Friday and then for the Tuesday before surgery.

The sunshine remained in Aberdeen much of the day yesterday and I spent a fun afternoon on Balmedie beach with Kim and little James paddling, building sandcastle and playing tennis! The fresh air and relaxation did me good as I had a great nights sleep, sleeping from 11pm until 6am then dozed for an hour or so. Best sleep since I was at Alice’s last weekend!

Lovely flowers from Dad, Alice, Sarah & Tony this morning – thank you!

I received books in the post from Rachel, a novel to read when I get bored and a brilliant book called “What Can I do to help?” with practical ideas for family and friends to support someone affected by cancer.  I found it comforting to read many thoughts, fears, hopes and reactions that I have already encountered. Ideas include setting up a blog (tick) filling up the freezer (tick), inviting yourself to friends (tick). It talks about being a new member of The Cancer Club, the only club that is rigorously exclusive and has no waiting list!

I wish to tackle my cancer head on and to know and understand everything. It is important for me to be able to talk about it and also to not talk about. It’s important for me that Alice, Maisie and Paul feel supported too and have good things to look forward to. So pleased Alice is spending a few days with Grandma, Maisie rather too busy with work & college but I plan to take her to Harry Potter in London during October half term! We made need a chaperone! The little things count – Maisie was delighted to receive mascara from Auntie Sarah as she had just run out! Bought a disposable BBQ for 50p in the sale at Asda with a view to using it in a Yurt weekend break or a spontaneous cook-out on the beach somewhere!

Looking back to my reaction to the news, I was not surprised as I already had a good idea that it may be cancer from the weeks that led up to results. I was very saddened by the news and frightened by it, also a sense of relief that the 18 months of not feeling on top and not always coping as well as I would expect myself to, was for a reason. My main symptom being at times excessive tiredness, much like when you are pregnant. Just having to stop and nap for 40 mins or so combined with pains that come and go in joints – hip, elbows, neck, shoulder.

I will be asking to see the mammogram pictures / MRI as I have not yet seen anything and it’s important for me to see the tumour. Having my breast taken away is hard to get my head round but since it is saving my life there is no choice. Rather lose a breast than an arm, a leg or an eye. I had a couple of evenings when I broke into tears undressing for bed, stood in front of the bathroom mirror washing and brushing my teeth. I’ve altered that routine to leave my bra on until I get into bed. Oddly it does not bother me at all in the mornings.

We’ve found John Lewis and M&S do post surgery bras. Paul and I will be going shopping before surgery so I have something nice to wear when I am ready.

Last week being by myself was awful and I wept plenty! This week being by myself I find that I am able to keep busy and forget about my cancer completely for long periods. We are of course all trying to continue as “normal” but of course it isn’t “normal”. Having cancer is a very weird concept. I am by all accounts very fit, healthy and well, but at the same time I am really rather ill. I think the photo of me finishing the half marathon is very poignant. When I first saw the photo, I thought, “God I look ill”! Yet I managed to run 13 miles in a PB of 1hr 55mins. I’d found the training very hard and some days was not capable of running as I was far to tired. The human body and mind are amazing. It is now very much a case of “mind over matter”!

Thursday 16 August 2012

Pancakes and Sunshine

The meeting with the oncologist wasn’t quite what I expected. I was greeted by an elderly, clearly retired lady whose mannerisms were much like those of a headmistress! We marched to a small consultation room and she instructed me which chair to sit in. She sat opposite with her feet on a small foot stool. She looked at me and said nothing! I opened the conversation feeling rather awkward. I fired a few questions but felt I was answering my own queries. I did gain reassurance that with lobular, the usual method of treatment is mastectomy and removal of lymph nodes at the time of surgery. As the cancer is hard to detect this is the only sure way to see if it is likely to have spread. She also said that it is usual for people with cancer to have felt “unwell” or to feel there is something wrong with them quite some time before diagnosis. This accounts for me having felt “not my usual self” for around 18 months. She said that as most cancers these days were found in the early stages, there is less of a need for routine body / bone scans and these are not done as a matter of course.
She said I was doing all the right things with diet, exercise. She said get some food in the freezer (already done!) and get the garden done (not quite that simple!) Recovery from the op should be around 2-4 weeks, emotionally can be somewhat longer and may take a while for energy levels to build up. It also depends on any further treatment.

I have cancelled my place at college and postponed my voluntary work for the time being, hoping to get back to it in the autumn. We are all very keen to get out of Muirton, downsize and enjoy life with out the maintenance, expense and physical work of living here. Paul’s back is still not good and the lawns are ready for another cut. He now realises all the physical work I have put in over the years! Unfortunately he has gone back to smoking, I have pointed out that the girls do not want two parents with cancer. I have tried to encourage gum and chocolate as an alternative! His meeting with HR went well and they have told him just to take time off when he needs it, if he is unable to go into work just let someone know and do what he can from home on the laptop and mobile. That’s good as he can keep his annual leave for a weeks holiday once my treatment is over and also take a couple of weeks over Christmas.

Booked in for a reflexology at CLAN this morning and finally the sun has come out for an afternoon on the beach with Kim and James.

Just off to make pancakes for breakfast for Maisie and me! X

Ps. Delighted to hear that Alice had an enjoyable date with a young man from rowing!

Wednesday 15 August 2012

Keeping busy

Not a greats night sleep, slept in the study to avoid snoring and to have total darkness but I tossed and turned much of the night and was thirsty. We had a great evening out at Rustico restaurant with Jeremy and Jan. Much laughter listening to Jeremy’s stories, a busy buzz in the restaurant, good food and service. Back home and the two glasses of wine with the meal swung my mood and I became weepy and fearful as I stood in front of the mirror in the bathroom brushing my teeth. I shared my fears with Paul and he with me. The moment was brief and we were soon laughing again.

Meetings today. I am seeing the CLAN oncologist this morning, I have several questions prepared and Paul is meeting with Head of UK HR this afternoon to see about time off etc.
Getting a hair cut tomorrow, short to last me 5 or 6 weeks! Seeing Kim and little James for a play date tomorrow afternoon, we have an art preview evening to attend in town Friday evening and an Indian meal at Liz’s Saturday evening complete with Indian dress, I need to learn how to wrap my Sari!

Pleased to get a message on my mobile yesterday from Cancer Nurse Sheila for an appointment on Monday for Pre Admission, hopefully an ultra sound of my liver and my MRI results. Will be at ARI much of the day.

Tuesday 14 August 2012

Emotions.

Naturally my emotions have been all over the place and I find it hard to concentrate. After the devastating news last week the next hard task was to tell family and friends. After Paul, who was with me for results, the next to know was Maisie. We picked her up from work and I sat in the back of the car with her. I hugged her tightly and then moved away to hold her hands, remembering how tiny those fingers once were. It broke my heart to give her this terrible news. I was overwhelmed with grief for myself and for those around me who would suffer the pain of the coming weeks. Positive words came from my mouth and I vowed to not fail at this challenge, I had never failed at anything yet, and I wasn’t about to start. We stopped the car on the Esplanade and the three of us went onto the beach, removed shoes and socks and paddled away our tears in the North Sea under a grey sky.

I had a large brandy and cried no more that evening. I texted Mum who was on the train back to Peterborough, having spent a week with me helping after my carpal op she was fully aware of the possible outcome on results day. I phoned to tell dad in France, who was on his own mission to keep well following his prostate cancer diagnosis just a few weeks ago. I felt so guilty inflicting this worry upon everyone. I was anxious about telling Alice as she was alone in her flat, I encouraged her to continue with plans to go out that evening, she was very calm and gentle on the phone, we did not get upset. I am so proud of how responsible, strong and capable my girls are, must be in the genes! And so I continued to tell the news, the response from those around us supportive and encouraging. People ready to share stories of their own experiences and offer help if needed.

My sleeping patterns were awful last week, roughly four or five hours disturbed sleep each night. I was breaking down uncontrollably around 4pm each afternoon for 10 mins or so. I was noticing the tiniest of things – the flight path of a bird over the lawn to the bird feeder, how green the leaves were, how the lights shone on Maisie’s hair highlighting golden strands, the soft caress over my face as a ribbon in the Youth Festival parade blew in the wind.

Yesterday afternoon I enjoyed an hours Shiatsu at CLAN, Maisie had a reflexology session. I also made an appointment to see the Oncologist there on Wednesday to ask some questions. I remained quite bright and up beat for the whole day.

Usual routine this morning of getting Maisie into work and then grocery shopping. Back home had a big cook session and made two weeks worth of meals for the freezer, fish pie, bolognaise, soups, baked aubergine, pasta sauce.
The weather is dull and damp, we would all benefit from some warm sunshine!
Looking forward to a meal out with friends this evening in town.
Had a lovely card from Uncle Godfrey and Elaine.

Some extracts from my diary:

 Monday 16th July -

The waiting has been awful. The phone call didn’t come as promised on Wednesday / Thursday or Friday and nothing in the post on Monday. When I phone Ms Smyths secretary on Monday the voicemail she was out of the office until Tuesday.

Thursday 19th July –

I opened the shutters this morning to see a single magpie on the lawn. It’s biopsy day. Went for a run first thing and managed to get locked out of the house, in the rain!
Feeling like a pin cushion after 10 needles in my left breast.
Took a phone call in the afternoon from my life insurance company, very freaky! Just checking I had enough cover and was happy with the policy I held (First call from them in 6 years??) I felt spooked. I was unable to cope late afternoon and walked out the house and collapsed into an uncontrollable heap on the tarmac. I cried for all the traumas I had faced over the past six years, Grahams death on the drive ,Johns death from cancer, Paul’s petrol fire accident, Alice’s fall from the window, the chimney fire, and the crash at the front gates at Christmas and the stresses of Muirton. And I cried for the fear and realisation that this could be cancer.

Thursday 26th July (Before results) Had a disturbed and restless night, I dreamed I was telling everyone that I had breast cancer.

Saturday 4th August –

We took a huge bunch of red, white and blue balloons to arrivals at Dyce airport and a banner to welcome Maisie back from her two weeks in Romania!

Monday 6th August –

I watched the hands on the wall clock and I read the cover of every pamphlet in the wall rack. I noted the small box of tissues on the desk. I jumped each time I heard a phone ring or a door bang. The room was white with a pale blue door. My fingers parted the blinds so I could see the daylight and sky. I breathed deeply. The handled turned and the consultant walked in with two other ladies. At that point I knew.

Monday 13 August 2012

My journey begins

I sat in the waiting room on Monday 6th August at Aberdeen Royal Infirmary, watching the Olympics on the TV screen (which was broken , all the colours green and yellow) Beth Tweddle had just gained Bronze in the Uneven bars. Moments later I was told I had Invasive Lobular Breast Cancer.

I am due to have a left breast mastectomy on 6th September, three months after first going to my GP.

It was a good weekend. I went to the Fringe Festival in Edinburgh and to Glasgow to see Alice in her new flat. The change was just what I needed. Slept and ate well and felt good yesterday and this morning. Not cried or had painkillers for two whole days! Yippie! Friday was crappy as hospital messed up my MRI appointment. The letter came in the post Friday morning for the day AFTER surgery? They need the results to do the surgery! Meant it would all be delayed? Anyway I got on the phone and sorted it and went in Friday afternoon, sadly had to cancel a play date on the beach in the sunshine with my little friend James.

Hospital had also told me my lymph nodes were clear in the ultra sound but I didn't remember having it done, well of course they haven't done it! Doesn't fill you with confidence.  Have already had to chase results twice. It’s been a long and emotional "waiting game" since the first mammogram on 18th June. Only 4500 UK cases of this cancer a year so I guess Aberdeen haven't seen many? I am going to have to be my usual assertive stroppy self to stay on top of it all every step of the way! (You can do what you like when you have cancer and get away with it!!?)

I am going to our local cancer support centre this afternoon for a massage. I popped into CLAN (Cancer Link Aberdeen & North) on Friday to see the place and see what they offer. The first self help pamphlet I picked up was "Getting Travel Insurance After Cancer"! Need to get my priorities right! Followed by the "Macmillan Recipe Book"!

Ironic that I unknowingly ran the Edinburgh half marathon on 27th May with Lobular Breast Cancer (ILC) knocking 9 mins off my personal best coming in under two hours at 1hr 55mins! And raised £675 for CLAN! A few days after the marathon my Dad was also diagnosed with prostate cancer. I was proud to have completed the race with my 18 year old daughter, Alice.

The story to this point in time..

I was first aware of a "change" in my left breast back around February time. I cant be sure. I was training and put it down to fitness / weight loss. The hardened area, a cm or so was not sore and remained there. After a while I was aware of a small "pea" on the edge of the area. I had been to my GP with various shoulder, neck and arm pains over the previous 18 months and although I underwent two carpal tunnel ops I had been more or less been told I was depressed and menopausal so I avoided the Dr at all costs. I am a fit, generally healthy, assertive and capable 48 year old lady, with two fabulous daughters 17 and 18 and a husband that puts up with me no matter what! Yes life has been extremely stressful at times, for various reasons over the past 6 years since our move to Aberdeen, but I have risen and overcome every challenge and never considered myself depressed! Having completed the half marathon and one evening watching Embarrassing Bodies on TV all about breasts and lumps etc, Paul persuaded me to go the GP. Same old story, it was "nothing" but he would send me for a scan to stop me worrying! Two weeks later I got the appointment, routine mammogram on 18th June, come back for results on 3rd July. Before the results clinic another appointment came to have detailed mammograms done. An unpleasant experience as this time I was severely squashed between the plates causing discharge from my nipple. Following that I saw the consultant. "What seems to be the problem"? I was hoping they would tell me! She examined me not able to feel the “area” until I pointed it out to her. She sent me for ultra sound and then fine needle biopsy. The biopsy came back as “abnormal” but they couldn’t say if it was or was not cancer. She indicated that they didn’t know what was going on. We were sent home to wait for two weeks while the cancer team discussed the findings. Having heard nothing I phoned, unsuccessfully and e mailed to chase results. Mammography phoned me and made an appointment for core biopsy on 19th July. Two needles for anaesthetic, three biopsies of the “lump” four biopsies of calcifications and a needle to put in a marker. Dr Tanya was fantastic. She said there was something there but they would not know what until they got results in another 14 days or so. I came home and had a massive break down, crying inconsolably in a heap outside. I think that is the point that I was fairly sure it may be cancer. Dr Tanya’s final words as she put her hand on my arm were “You’ve been a brilliant patient Mrs Stedman, I wish you all the very best.

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